As I sit here looking out the window at the rain clouds and wet ground, I can’t help but feel a heavy weight in my heart. The rain smells of God, as I nestle my face into his chest, and beg for help.

There are children in my family who are suffering from a broken home and possible sexual abuse and I sit here motionless. I thought I was making the right decision by going with the mom to the hospital for an exam, only to find out the exam really only eliminates the worst case scenario, thus causing more heartache and frustration. I can see in these kids eyes they are hurting. I am not exactly sure what they are hurting about, but their eyes have burned a story on my heart that I can’t get out of my head. I am using the last ounce of energy I have to pray for trust in Child Protective Services, and their discernment. I am spent.

The economy is hitting the majority of my family hard. More and more of the plastic production is being sent to China, and the family business is suffering. Banks won’t step in and loan money to get them over the hump, and since this truly is a family owned and operated business, everyone is hurting. Yet Travis and I can do nothing but watch this all unfold.

I finally figured out the cause of my migraines and $700 later I have been fitted for two bite guards, discovered I have two cavities and one of the worst clenching issues the dentist has seen. As I am sitting here typing I realize I am doing it right now. My jaw will always pop out of place due to the permanent damage I have done. Awesome.

Monkey is still doing great. Her heart is something I admire. She is so loving and sweet and FUNNY. Without her I don’t know where I would be. Still not potty trained, but I know God put her with me for many, many reasons – most of them benefit me.

I guess time marches on, and I know God has great things planned for me and has blessed with so many things. But even though I know that, I can’t help but feel all I am doing is running. Running to stand still.