Someone once told me that love and hate are not opposites, but rather the opposite of love is indifference.   At the time I thought that was stupidest thing I had ever heard, but over the years I have started to agree.

Love and hate carry so much passion, so much thought and effort.  So much time.  Indifference on the other hand is nothing.  No attention.  No emotion.  No feeling.  No thought.  Nothing.

Lately, we have been sick on and off a lot.  Monkey got her first ear infection in two years and I am pretty sure Caterpillar has been sick on some level since he was born.  Due to the medical expenses from this and when I was on bedrest, our budget has gone from shoestring to barren thread.

It’s times like this when I need MOPS.  I need a break from the kids and time to enjoy a home cooked meal with my girlfriends.  I need time to take a craft from start to finish without interruption.  I need to learn new things and just hear that my problems are not the end of the world, nor are they uncommon.  And I need it for free (well prepaid).

I trust in God.  I trust in His plan, and I talk to Him all of the time.  He knows my heart and what I need.  So, why does it feel like I keep having to cancel plans I have made and dates I have set up because we cannot kick this funk?  Why do I feel like He has become silent when I need him most?  Why is He acting so indifferent?

I spent the whole day yesterday balancing our medical costs with the receipts in order to ensure we filed for the proper amount on our taxes.  I have been putting off our taxes because we usually have to pay since we do not file quarterly taxes on Daddys business.  I knew we did not have many business expenses last year, nor did we give as much to charity as we normally do so I was pretty much hiding from the fate of a payout.

After an entire day of ignoring the kids so I could focus on number crunching, the difference between the itemized deduction vs. the standard deduction was only ten dollars.

So, I decided to pack up the kids and head to the gym to blow off some steam.  The house was a disaster, but I needed some time to clear my head.  I needed time to reconnect.  I was running late and packing as fast as I could when I got the call from my sister.

Mom is going to the hospital.  She’s having chest pains, and her arm is numb.  She has a headache and she can’t see out of her eye.

Those three sentences change everything.

We rushed to the hospital as soon as Daddy got home.  They had already run a few tests by the time we arrived and they wanted to admit her for further heart testing.  She was not happy, and I was trying to work out the logistics with my sister when the doctor came back and said she could go home to rest, as long as she agreed to call to set up the testing for the following day.

We came home, finished our taxes, and crawled into bed.  For the first time, Caterpillar let us sleep through the night.

We are getting enough of a tax refund to cover our remaining medical bills as well as provide some breathing room.

Even though I thought I was waiting for Him to respond, He was actually waiting on me.  He had already provided my answer.  I have not been forgotten.  But rather, I had forgotten.  I had forgotten that He always gives us what we need and never gives us more than we can handle.  I had stopped paying attention.

And in a way, I had become indifferent.