I am sure all of you (all two of you) have been wondering if I’ve fallen off the face of the Earth.Â No I haven’t.Â However, I did fall, and it took me some time to get up.
This week, the topic at church was forgiveness.Â So can you forgive me?Â But seriously, forgiveness is something I have been struggling with, and a big part of the reason for my silence.
MOPS came to an end a couple of weeks ago.Â As I mentioned before, this year has been bittersweet.Â I made the slide show this year, which was a lot of fun since I’d never used iMovie before.Â It was also fun to get everyone’s pictures together, and remember what was going on when those smiles were captured.
After the slide show, we did our annual reviews and talked for a while before wrapping up the year in prayer.Â After the prayer was finished, someone from my table decided it would be best to show me what had been written on a review form about me.Â To put it nicely, it was pretty unfriendly. The person who handed me the paperwork stated that someone else from my table had written it.Â Everyone stood there and watched as I read it and I instantly felt sick to my stomach.Â I went to pick up Monkey from MOPETTES and left, without many words to anyone else.
Daddy had started vacation, so I called the house as soon as I got into the car.Â I broke down and told him how sad those words had made me.Â When I arrived home, I thought about what had been written, and decided to email the author to let her know I wanted to forgive her for the words, and that I would continue to pray for her since I know her struggles have been great this year.Â I was doing my best to not take the words to heart, since the reality of the situation was the words were not feedback, but rather just an out pour of anger directed at me. I tried to stay objective.
She ended up calling and denying the entire thing.Â Then another woman from my table called and she ended up also proclaiming her innocence.Â After four hours on the phone with them, I was drained.Â I was depressed for the rest of the afternoon, and then did everything I could to forget about it.Â I continued to pray for each of them, and honestly, my heart had healed.
About a week later, I received an anonymous letter in the mail.Â The letter was written to MOPS international and indicated that I had ruined the author’s year in MOPS.Â She stated she did not sign it because she was afraid of what I would do.Â Everything came rushing back.Â The tears and heartbreak started all over again.
I will spare you the details, but it boils down to this: I needed some time to forgive those women.Â The brain could see that the feedback form and the letter were just intended to hurt me.Â Otherwise, it would have been done totally separate of me, and it would have provided direction instead of insults.Â But, my heart couldn’t see past the hate and anger that must have been felt by the author.Â The author who took the time to look up the address to MOPS international, as well as my address.Â The hatred that was felt as my address was cut out of a piece of paper and taped to an envelope to ensure anonymity.
I needed time to sift through those emotions.Â I needed time to process, and time to move on.Â And, after that was done, I felt I needed more.Â I continued to pray that God would show me what I needed to do.Â And He did.
I needed to forgive myself.
Wow.Â That’s the hard part.
So, that’s the reason I have been so silent.Â I felt as though I could have been better this year.Â I felt as though I could have given more.Â But, I cannot fix what I have done, and due to the way this was handled, I cannot ask the woman for forgiveness.Â What God has shown me, is that’s all in the past.Â The page has turned.Â Forgiveness was already given.Â It was given by God, and the rest are just minor details.