I have had about enough.

Since Monkey was born (three years ago today!) I have had my gall bladder removed, been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, suffered a summer full of migraine headaches, and had a miscarriage. In the last six months I have seen five different doctors. None of which have any answers, but all of them have that same distracted look in their eyes and the same effortless shrug in their shoulders.

Today I received a call back from my OB explaining they don’t know what is going on exactly and things should just work themselves out. He recommended waiting until next month to start trying again.

What a surprise. Another non-descript conversation ending in tears of disappointment.

At this point I am completely frustrated. It is hard for me to swallow the fact that maybe the doctors will never figure this out. I may just have to live on Advil since it is really the only thing they all agree is safe to take while trying to conceive.

I know I am crazy. I know depression runs in my family. I am well aware of the influence attitude can have on a body, but I am generally pretty happy. I like my life. I love Travis and Monkey is the reason I open my eyes every morning. For the first time in years I am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. So why now?

I just need a plan. I am a planner. I can deal with almost anything, but as of now there is nothing to deal with. There are “no known issues” and my “blood work looks fine”. Sure, my hormone levels are off, but they should work themselves out. No action is necessary.

In the past I have always been shocked when people blame God for the things that go wrong. I have heard countless people say ‘I don’t know what I did wrong, yet it feels like I am being punished.’ For the first time, I get that. I still don’t agree, but I get it.

For now, I am trusting in God’s plan. I am going to gather up my medical records that have been peppered all over town, and I am going to go back to the best doctor I can remember. She (of course) is not covered by our insurance. But, my insurance is changing in July and I will make sure she is covered going forward.

For now, I am thankful for my rock on Earth, my sweet husband Travis. I am thankful for my light, sweet Monkey and the joy she brings me when she doesn’t even know I am watching. I am thankful for our home and the love that keeps the entire house humming.

I am leaning on God. I am leaning in and begging for his strength. I am crying out for resolution and wellness. I don’t want Monkey to wonder why mommy doesn’t dance around the kitchen anymore and I don’t want Travis to feel he needs to desperately hang on to every fun moment we have together. I want him to feel secure that there are many more to come. And I want to feel that too. So for now, I am leaning.