Sleep has become a thing of the past.  My hips have been killing me, and my jaw has been especially sore lately.  I am in this vicious cycle of getting horrible heartburn after I eat, yet when I don’t eat I feel weak and tired.  I am cranky and slow. I am becoming impatient.

When I went to the doctors office last week, Dr. Bowtie wasn’t available, so we saw my new favorite doctor, Dr. Copenhagen.  The reason he has earned this glorious title is because around my second or third visit with him, I noticed what I thought smelled like cheap cologne wafting from his body as he was doing his exam.  It was a husky smell, mixed with peppermint sort of smell.  I actually figured one of his kids must have picked it out, because it was pretty stinky. 

Around the time we were crawling in the car after the appointment, Travis pointed out Dr. Copenhagen had a can of chew in his back pocket.  It kinda made me like him more.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you guys about Dr. Copenhagen is because he told me at the last appointment I might actually go full term.  All 40 weeks.  That kinda made me like him less – but that whole ‘don’t kill the messenger’ thing allowed me to forgive and forget.

I am scheduled to see Dr. Bowtie this week, and I remember when I was pregnant with Monkey I scheduled my induction for a few days after my due date in order to ensure he would be on call.  I am looking forward to this appointment in hopes it is time to do the same thing.  A light at the end of the tunnel, if you will.

Every night, before bed, I hit a wall.  It usually ends in tears, with me telling Daddy I don’t know if I can make it much longer.  I dread going to bed, because I literally just lay there, wide awake, dwelling in my own self-pity.  So, Saturday night, we pulled an all-nighter.  Daddy stayed up with me, in shock that I was able to do it.  I didn’t think it was that different than any other night, so I just enjoyed the time and hung out until about 6:30am, when we finally crashed on the couches.

He let me sleep, off and on, until about noon.  At which point I got up, got on the computer and stumbled across the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization.  Please do not click on the link if you do not have Kleenex within arms reach.  You will regret it.  Basically, it is a website that talks about photography services that are provided for families whose babies are not coming home from the hospital.  Babies who are either born stillborn, or are terminally ill.  These people are true angels, right here on Earth.  They take amazing photographs, free of charge, and provide the family with a little piece of beauty, in a very ugly situation.  I read every story, and cried for each family.  I poured over the details and sat in awe as I looked at the tiny hands that were born premature, and thought about how each mommy dressed their lifeless child for the pictures, and how heartbreaking something like that may be.

Daddy finally made me log out, and go shower.  During my shower, I realized Caterpillar had been quiet all morning.  I wiggled my tummy a little… then a lot.  Then, I panicked.  I kept thinking I was being paranoid, since I had just looked at that website.  I got out of the shower and shook a little more.  Nothing.  I went downstairs, drank some juice and ate.  Still nothing.  I pushed and pulled on my tummy and the only response I could get was Caterpillar slowly settling into his resting position.

I prayed to God and confessed how selfish and ungrateful I have been.  I begged for some sort of sign that things were going to be okay.  I prayed that I would be forgiven for my negative thoughts, and I promised to focus on more positive things.  I confessed that this prayer has been prayed before, and begged for forgiveness, once again.

Then, finally, after about thirty minutes, I felt a little kick.  Then, a bigger one.  Then, a dance on my bladder that almost made me pee my pants.  I rejoiced, and praised God.  I am guessing Caterpillar didn’t enjoy the all-nighter as much as I did, cause that boy was tired!

Caterpillar was up and struggling for room, off and on, for the rest of the day.  And last night, after a long day of cleaning and working on the house, I didn’t dread going to sleep.  I was looking forward to laying down, and getting some sleep.  It didn’t work out that way.  My night was more of the same.  But that’s okay.  This journey will be over soon, and I know I will miss this time with Caterpillar.  However sleepless it may be.