I have always noticed the little things.  It drives people crazy.

I stare; not in judgment, but in simple observation.  I can go to the gym for over and hour without music or TV, because people watching is enough for me.  A friend, from a long time ago, said I could ‘blank stare’ longer than her cat.  I am sure my abnormally huge pupils don’t help my case.  When someone talks to me, I notice their body language over their words.  I can tell from photos if people were truly happy when the picture was taken.  I have learned over the years that this gift is both a blessing and a curse.

I went to the MOPS summit yesterday, and the speaker that spoke to my heart the most spoke about just that: Observation.  Hearing God’s whisper amid the chaos known as life.  Seeing His arms wrapped around you in protection when you feel alone.   Knowing what feels like a curse, will undoubtedly prove to be a blessing in Gods timing.

Lately, the little things have been driving me crazy.  I can’t help but notice when the trash hasn’t gone out, or the freshly shaved facial hair is left in the sink.  The little things have been brewing, and now they have become a big thing. I find myself short on patience and long on anger.  It’s not me, and it’s not fun.  It has to stop.

I tried a new doctor last week and found out my blood pressure is high.  She said I was about three times more at risk for a heart attack then average.  She agreed to observe my numbers over the next two weeks to see if the numbers will change.  Then, if there hasn’t been improvement in my numbers,  I will need to take another pill every day.

I was shocked. Not because I think I am in the greatest of health, but because I feel like I have only been out of shape since my pregnancy with Monkey.  This has not been a lifelong struggle for me.  And, I have finally made a decision to eat better and really dedicate myself to working out.  So why now?

Caterpillar has been extremely fussy.  I cannot set him down unless I am prepared to listen to non-stop crying.  It makes it hard to do anything.  The house has gotten messy and all I see is my ‘to do’ list getting longer.  We finally took him to the doctor to find out what was going on, and found out he’s cutting four teeth.  At the same time.  And I thought I had it bad.

This morning, I had enough.  I figured I had nothing to lose, so told Daddy about the little things.  I told him how they had now become a big thing.   He agreed to try and so did I. Time will tell.

We got dressed and went to church.  We sat near the front, and we barely survived the worship without tears because we are both hurting.  We both have to change, and we both know it.  I don’t want my kids to see what we have become.  I am ashamed of the things I have said in anger.

It was nice to see our pastor’s face today.  We had served all day on Easter Sunday, and missed last week so a good sermon was just what we needed.  And, as always, God provided.

The series started last week at PCCC is called ‘Live Like You Are Dying”.    Today’s message was on ‘speaking sweeter’.  It was about making a choice to speak blessings, instead of curses.   About using words to lift others up.  About being aware of how deep words can wound.  And don’t think I didn’t think about the fact that Daddy’s love language is ‘words of affirmation’.

The message is still resonating deep in my heart.

I am sure this won’t be fixed overnight.  But, if I am as observant as I claim to be, I have to really see. See God at work in our marriage.  See Caterpillar as my sweet smiling baby who’s just having a hard time, instead of background noise that I tolerate.  I have to hear God’s whisper.  I have to breathe in the little things.   So, I have made a choice.  A choice to lift up a grateful heart for my blessings, and a choice to rebuke the curses.  And only then I will I be able to sit back, and observe.