Almost six years ago Travis and I were married. As the unity candles were lit, I had no idea that our old lives would wither and new growth would replace the only life I had ever known.
Then Monkey was born.
We had been married about three years and we had settled into a routine. We were both working and making pretty good money. We ate out, went dancing and actually saw movies in the movie theater. All of that changed. Again, a new life replaced the old.
Travis and I were baptized almost three years ago. Our lives were symbolically and literally washed away by the water and our new lives were born. We quickly learned living in Christ was simple, but not easy.
Monkeys third birthday is coming up and lately it seems we have had a lot of conflict. She has to do everything herself. No matter how big or how small the task. I find my patience is running thin. I have become the mother in the grocery store that allows her child to sing and dance and open food items before they are paid for. I justify it by saying ‘whatever it takes to get through the store in one piece with at least half of the items we need’.
When I think about that, I am embarrassed. I don’t want to just ‘get through’ anything with my daughter. I want her to look back and think mommy stomping her feet through the store like a marching, marching ant was fun – not something mommy did to ‘get through the store’. I have always said actions speak louder than words, and a persons actions define who they are. But, as I find myself going through the motions, I feel my actions have become cheap. Sometimes my actions are half-hearted. Sometimes they are less than half-hearted.
I had a pastor explain a scenario in which a young daddy bought his son a bag of candy. The daddy stood in line, paid for the candy then gave it his son. The little boy was excited and opened the bag and started to enjoy the candy. After a few minutes, the daddy asked if he could have a piece, and the child replied “No, it’s mine”. The father pointed out the fact he was the one who stood in line, he works to earn the money that paid for the candy, and he paid for it. Therefore, from every perspective, the candy belongs to daddy. The child still couldn’t bring himself to share.
God has given me so many bags of candy. He provides my family, and has provided for my family. He is using me to raise Monkey, but He has certainly guided me along the way. He is allowing Monkey to become a big girl and she wants to do big girl things. Even though it is not Gods plan, I want her to stay little forever, so I fight with her.
So, today I pray that God gives me the strength to share. To give the candy back. I have been using the ‘one for you, two for me’ division and its not working. All I am doing is yelling and all she is doing is getting used to it. It is time for this life to be over, and another to be born.