The dust has settled and after a lot of reflection I have come to realize part of the hole in my heart that I am feeling is because I am not serving at church like I used to. Even though the work I did for Southlink Church was not my passion, nonetheless it allowed me to feel satisfaction in knowing I was doing my little part for the Lords house.
About 5 months ago Travis and I took a class called “Discovering Gods Design for You” at our new church. We learned about our spiritual gifts, and it really was a great opportunity to learn about ourselves and each other. As part of the class they try to suggest areas in which your spiritual gifts may be used. One of the suggestions that came up was youth ministry. At first I was like “No way!” Not because I wasn’t interested, but because I thought there was no way I would succeed in a position like that because of all of my insecurities, my social anxiety, and the fact that I prefer one-on-one relationships.
Travis got busy at work and we had so much going on that I kind of ignored my desire to start serving at this time. Plus I really felt like I hadn’t found something that was a perfect match. Still, the thought of youth ministry kept creeping up on me. So, I researched it and discovered the process for becoming a youth leader at The Rock is pretty straight forward. They have it all listed online, and I didn’t have to throw myself out there and actually contact anyone in order to learn more about it!
Then a few days ago everything that has been building came to a head. I realized my mothers choice to spend Christmas Eve with a daughter who has burned bridges with other family members, instead of her granddaughter does upset me. I realized even though the miscarriage is physically over, it may not be emotionally over for a while. I realized that while I do think giving our dog away to the rescue was in his best interest, I still miss my buddy… and every time Monkey talks about him it does break my heart.
So, I looked at the situation and thought “What can I change?” I can’t change my mother nor can I change my sister. They are both adults and while I do feel they will wake up one day with regret, that is not something that I can take on… meaning they have to deal with those decisions on their own. I need to change how I think about it.
I cannot change the fact that I had a miscarriage. However, I do wake up everyday knowing the Lord has a plan for us. He has not given any indication that we cannot have any more children, and I need to be thankful for that. He has given us hope and He has already trusted us with one of his children, and I believe he will trust us with more. I need to be more grateful for that.
As far as Duke is concerned, the new family loves him and they live on a very large lot. I need to be thankful that he is happy and has a lot of room to run around. Even if the rescue didn’t do the right thing for him, the Lord stepped in and protected him and I thank Him for that. I need to trust in the Lords timing and not be so impatient. I know we will get a new dog, and I know I will love him as much or more than Duke. I know Monkey will forget about Duke because she is so little, and the new dog and she will be buddies soon enough.
As far as serving, I mustered up the courage to email the youth pastor and he responded today. He invited us to join him during the youth meetings (which are on Wednesdays) and explained we need to attend three meetings within two months, the training is on cd and workbook, and he would help us find a good spot.
I have been feeling sorry for myself lately, and I haven’t been the best that I can be as a result of that. While I know God hurts when I hurt, and he understands everything that I feel, I believe he has raised me to be better than I have been. I am going to pay more attention to the seeds I am planting, because I know if they are flooded with love, I will reap what I have sown.