So Christmas came and went and I have to say as I enter the new year the buzz of resolutions is all around. I definitely have a squeezable inch here and there (or two) that I can loose, but the baggage I feel I must focus on this year is the emotional baggage. Upon reflection it has occurred to me that instead of trying to make things work, I need to just let some things go.
This year my mother decided not to come over to my house on Christmas eve for the first year since Monkey was born. As I mentioned before I was hurt by that decision, but I decided before the holidays that Monkey will be my focus and it was my mothers loss. I focused on the people that want to be with us and had a really great time with Travis’ side of the family.
Monkey loves to see her step-cousins and while it is typically uncomfortable at my dads due to a lifetime of unresolved issues, I decided to suck it up and go spend Christmas eve day letting Monkey do what she wanted.
Not ten minutes after we arrived I regretted that decision. Almost immediately my father felt it was his calling to be the one to rebuild my sisters and my relationship, which has been broken more times then I care to talk about. First he tried to present the argument as if he was my ‘ally’ and just trying to understand. When that didn’t work, he tried the guilt angle. He pointed out it was Christmas (as if I would agree to this torture under any other circumstances) and that it would be his Christmas gift if I would forgive her. He also tried to tell me how ‘unchristian’ it was to act this way.
I really took time to think about this and pray about this comment, since my mother said the same thing just weeks before. After some time of prayer, I just flat disagree.
God has given me the gift (and sometimes the curse) of discernment and I just don’t feel like my actions are out of line with Gods heart and vision for me. I don’t believe God wants me to continually put myself in hurtful situations. I don’t believe a broken spirit is a good representation of Jesus. My focus is on God. My actions represent His will. He doesn’t want my sister to continue to hurt. He wants to heal her heart, and I believe he is trying to use people that know her and love her to do that. By contributing to and enabling her behavior she is continually in pain. She will never heal from her wounds until she faces them. The generational curses will continue. Call me crazy, but I believe allowing that to happen is ‘unchristian’.
When I explained I have forgiven, but I am not willing to forget because it just never gets better, he tried the anger route. Because all debaters will tell you how effective this can be.
Finally he gave up talking. He then INVITED MY SISTER OVER. We were at his house for less than three hours, yet she had to come over to pick up her presents when we were there. Travis and I were so emotionally drained after these few hours we came home and slept through the candlelight service at Church. I am embarrassed that we allowed the evil one to draw us in so much that he literally pulled us away from Gods house on this most important holiday, but God knows our hearts and he knows we have not removed our gaze from Him.
I have prayed over my family and I have prayed for resolution, and I really feel God is leading me to let go. For the first time in a long time I feel like my mothers actions and inactions cannot hurt me anymore than she already has. I feel like my father and I didn’t have a relationship before, therefore not having one now is okay. Don’t get me wrong, I get him and I respect him. I think he is a very intelligent man and a hard worker.
However, starting this year, I am not going to listen to him tell me how fat Brooklyn and I have gotten in the name of joking, nor am I going to pretend like everything is fine just because it is a holiday. It’s fake and I believe it’s not what God has in mind for a blessed relationship. Because of God, I know what a fathers love feels like, therefore I am officially letting go of all who continually hurt me and I am going to grab on a little tighter to those who lift me up. Those who have the same focus as I, and those who want to live in Him and glorify Him. I have to trim the fat.
That is not to say I will only surround myself with people who are just like me, because Jesus didn’t do that either. But I can’t help but feel the more time my heart spends with people who have known God and turned away from Him, the less time I spend with those who have never known Him and the love He provides.
So as I climb on the scale with one eye covered and one eye peeking at the number below, I think I will still be a little too heavy, but I know my heart will be weightless.