When I was pregnant with Monkey I started getting horrible heartburn.  She had a lot of hair when she was born (hence her nickname) so I figured the wives tale about the correlation between the two was accurate.  After she was born, the heartburn continued, and actually got worse.

After about a year, I started throwing up after I would eat because the heartburn was so bad.  I finally went into the doctor, and she told me I had gallstones and had to have my gallbladder removed.  I had a stone stuck in the valve, therefore it was considered emergent.  Less than 48 hours later my gallbladder and my heartburn were gone.

Shortly after, our insurance changed.  I had loved Dr. Gallbladder for all she’d done for me and I always checked to see if there was anyway we could add her back to my insurance every time we renewed.  Well, last year the stars aligned and she was back on our list.  I was pregnant with Caterpillar so I was under the care of my OB, but I vowed to go see her as soon as I needed to go to the doctor.  While under my OB’s care, the scars from my surgery were often brought up.  They are still red, and the one in my belly button got very strange when I was pregnant – especially towards the end.

So, I made a list of things to talk about in my appointment.  For years I have had extremely heavy periods.  It’s one of the few things my mom and sister share with me, so I had no idea it wasn’t normal.  Then, I went to the mountains with my girlfriends and they were shocked at how hard it is for me to manage during that time.

I needed to have my thyroid checked to make sure my synthetic was the right dosage, since I have felt like it’s been off again. I also wanted a physical, and kind of start from scratch with a doctor that I trusted.  The earliest appointment I could schedule was two months out, but I took it with a grateful heart.

So, last week the day had finally arrived.  I had prepped myself mentally, and the plan was to be completely honest about everything.  I patiently waited 45 minutes undressed in the room while listening to her talk to a nurse about what they were doing this weekend.

When she finally came in and sat down, she asked what I wanted to talk about. I told her about the heavy period.

I told her about the rage I feel towards Daddy when I am PMS’ing. I told her how when it happens, I hear the words coming out of my mouth and it feels as though someone else is saying them.  I know they are wounding and creating scars I cannot fix, and yet I cannot stop.  And I don’t mean what I say, nor feel better once I’ve said it. I told her how it is like clockwork about 72 hours before my period I feel this rage.  I told her everything.

After about thirty seconds of a blank stare she said “I’m sorry, but if you want to have another baby soon, there’s really nothing I can do.”

Wow.  Nothing?

I got dressed, went out and had my blood drawn, and left heavy hearted.

Two days later I still felt the weight of that blow.  I went from frustration, to anger.  How come my girlfriends were able to get help?  I have had friends tell me they are on meds while the are pregnant for crying out loud.  How can someone be so sterile, after another human being pours themselves out and begs for help?

I understand having another baby is a big deal, and perhaps there isn’t anything she can do.  But no concern for my childrens well-being? No referral to a crazy doctor?  No advice on eating some unknown herb and drinking some flower juice from Indonesia?  Nothing!?

The reality of the situation is I have never felt this way towards my kids.  I only feel it towards Daddy once a month for about 2-3 days and then its over.  And, if we get pregnant I will likely not have it for the next year or so.  But she didn’t know that.  How could she?  I am not even sure she heard me based on her response.

The next day I had MOPS and I cried to my girlfriends.  I got a couple of referrals for other doctors and I am going to check them out.  But I can’t help but feel like I am starting over.  I have to prep myself mentally, and I have to admit it’s going to be even harder this time.

I am hurting.  I am nervous.  And I am scarred.