I just read this post on my girlfriend Nina’s blog and it got me thinking.
Is there ever a way to undo the hurt inside of us? We can forgive and sometimes we even forget, but does it ever go away?
I was a victim of domestic violence before I was married, and when I think about that time in my life I do not hold anything against the abuser, nor do I remember all of the details, but I do know to this day I still feel a pit in my stomach if I see someone that looks like him. But I made the decision to take my life back, and as a result I was able to find true happiness in God, my husband and my family.
That being said, I am often tempted to google the abusers name or run a background check on him, but I usually dismiss these thoughts because I believe letting him have my focus in anyway is allowing him to have more of me than he should have ever been given.
About a year after Travis and I were married, I did look him up once. And I found out he was involved in a vehicular manslaughter in the same small town Travis and I were married, on the same day. I am sure there is a reason, and I know this mans heart, so I can honestly say he would probably want to take back the events of that day. However, because there was no reason for him to be in that town, on our day, that pretty much scared me into not wanting to know anything else.
But, does not knowing really make it go away? For years I have thought so, but I wouldn’t be truthful if I said I NEVER thought about him. The memories may be completely emotional free, but they remain nonetheless. How do you rid the thoughts from your head? I have given that part of my life up to the Lord and he has released me from the guilt and pain, but some of the memories remain. Most things in my past I have used to help myself or others, but this memory appears to be lingering uselessly, for some unknown reason.
I supposed when I meet my maker I will have a huge ‘ah-ha’ moment since I will be able to see what He sees, but until then, I guess there is no taking it back.